party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
