Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
