Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
nut hugger
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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