my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
