She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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