God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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