Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
