Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
