new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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