i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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