I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
