dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
