I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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