I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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