I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
