She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
