i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
