i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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