I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
