I heard we made out
they need to just BURY HIM!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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