i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
