I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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