i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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