You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
