That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i came on her dog
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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