I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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