So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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