dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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