girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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