i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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