how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
