Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize