I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
