i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
