i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
