apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I forgot wine drunk hurts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
