It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
