At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
