mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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