you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
