My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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