i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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