my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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