So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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