My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
