You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
