your room smells of hookers.
And success
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
