I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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