I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
