Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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