Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
