Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
