Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
