Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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