Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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