i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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