new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
