mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
