I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
